just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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