i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
