he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
