I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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