You smell like a Billy Joel song
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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