my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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