I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
