Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
