You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
