I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
