I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
