I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
