If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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