i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
