does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
