I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I could make wine with my vomit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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