he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm like, not good at living.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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