Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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