I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
