i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
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