A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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