I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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