You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
