We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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