I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
