You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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