Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
