My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
