People with herpes should wear stickers.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
