Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
