6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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