My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
