This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
