I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
