he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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