This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
