OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
