i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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