woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
