It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
