There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
