well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
