My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
