rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
