My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
