I think scott just propositioned me for sex
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I want you more than these girls want KFC
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
