woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
