ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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