so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
