No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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