I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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