Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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