I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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